There is a Shoe in my Kitchen

There is a beautiful shoe in my kitchen, not to be confused with "there is a whole in my bucket" but then again, maybe there is. Gary Dahl and Dori Fitch of my Blytheco, LLC marketing team knew the way to my heart by getting me the perfect Christmas gift. Not only is it a shoe, but it holds a bottle of wine. Who could ask for more! This along with a few other gifts from my friends at Blytheco make me feel very blessed and loved. I can't imagine working with better people.

As my team knows well, in the workplace I have a total Driver, Driver personality. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the personality traits Driver, Amiable, Analytical and Expressive I encourage you to check out your style here. So when it comes to gifts, I'm not sure if it is my background or my personality type that has such a hard time. When receiving a gift, I feel awkward, and don't know what to say. I'm touched and often speechless.

My childhood was one without gifts. We didn't celebrate holidays nor birthdays, and as much as I try to tell myself that doesn't impact me today, it really does. Especially as we get closer to the holiday's I often find myself feeling overwhelmed by the spirit of people giving to me. I have no issues giving to others, in fact, I quite enjoy it. When it is me on the receiving end, I truly don't know at all how I'm supposed to respond.

So, if you have given me a gift (Ginger, Dori, Gary, Robert & Holly) please know that I am truly thankful that you would think of me. I am honored.

And here is my poem for today:

The Gift

Bruised from years of repetition

The wound, deep

Yearning for a resolution

An answer, a distant plead

To be left behind, forgotten

An ache, unknown

Yet so clearly explained

But still awkward

In breath, forbidden

To partake of joy and song

Burying it deep inside

A place that swells, overwhelming

Drowning, a vortex of time and affection

Until it has been opened

By kindness

Poem Return

My promise was to continue to write poetry everyday, and it has been challenging. I find that I'm figuring out ways for myself to be distracted from this mission and then feeling guilty about it.

I can only give as much poetry as my creativity is willing to give me at this time. So I will continue to post them as they come, to share them with those of you who find comfort in reading what I write. I have also been wrestling with how much I want and need to be transparent. Do I let myself be vulnerable and show poetry that may speak about more of who I am? It is a tough choice for me, but I'm slowly opening myself up more, and my writing may become more meaningful to those who read. I've also been doing some self portraits as one of the distractions to writing. It is also very vulnerable, but I'm willing to start to show some of my work in both photography and writing. 

Here is today's poem.

Reminder

I’m built in blood and sin

Trying to find my way from the past

Trying to drive myself from uncertainly

Trying to make things last

I’m built in glory and relevance

Trying to find my own value

Trying to drive myself from interweaving

Trying to make things new

I’m built in presence and alterations

Trying to find my own success

Trying to drive myself from misguidance

Trying to make things in business

I’m built in love and kindness

Trying to find my soul to keep

Trying to drive myself from fearing

Trying to make things unique

30 Days at Actual Size

I have, for the past 30 days been without my comfort zone of high heeled shoes. I got in an accident and have been unable to wear the heels I would normally trot around in so proudly. It isn't just how the shoes have made me feel, but the fact that they have become a part of my persona. People know my by my shoes and the love I have for them.

This week I had to go to a conference, and I was dreading it. Even during the packing process of getting ready for #itaF11 (Information Technology Alliance 2011 Conference in Austin, TX) I was worried what people would think of me at actual size. At first it was the double takes as people couldn't tell if it was actually me. Then came the "you are really short" jokes as I explained my story. Followed by the taunting from my boss Stephen Blythe (@SBlythe), who knows about my love of shoes and decided to point out all of the others wearing shoes I would normally wear, like the one featured in this picture below with my boss on the left, me in the center and Tammy Mathews (@TammyMathews) from Sage Software on the right. This was the shoe of @ScanSnapKim which was, by the way, terrific. Ed Kless (@EdKless) mentioned I should start a separate twitter account of Actual Size Apryl Hanson - which is probably too many words - we could shorten it to AAAH - which might already be taken...but none-the-less, his comment to propel me in my shorten version of myself to say things I might not normally say.

So what did I learn by this humbling experience of being my actual size. Well, we do all have persona's about ourselves that we like to maintain. We want people to view us the way we want to be viewed, sometimes not the way that we actually are. It isn't that I've been trying to HIDE my size, because I like my height, but the persona as the girl who wears outrageous shoes makes me feel like I can defy gravity. I feel powerful, because very few people would dare to wear the shoes I do in the settings I wear them in. For the most part, the shoes that I wear would hurt most women's feet, but I have grown accustomed to them and my feet and legs are those of a dancer, so they can take a beating.

I also learned that no matter what the persona is that you have developed for yourself, people still know who you are, at least those people who work with you and your friends and family.

Being at actual size really hasn't been that bad although @SBlythe is trying to convince my teams that "I've sworn of my love for shoes". I have enjoyed viewing the world from a slightly different height, but look forward to the time when I can again return to my high heel stature.